Thanks, but no thanks

Here's one from the early days, back when I was still an optimist. I think this one started bringing me down.

It seemed like we had a lot in common. She was kind of funny, cute (but not spectacular) and a little quirky, but in a good way. She was in between apartments, staying with friends until she found a place. We ended up going out on a Saturday night, across town near her temporary housing. She had a late-night birthday party and I had made plans with a few friends, so we got an early start, planning to go our separate ways around 11.

I showed up a few minutes early, she was a few minutes late, but much better looking than I expected, so we were off to a good start. We went in, grabbed a table, ordered our drinks and the small talk was underway. It was going well, albeit a little strange. About 15 minutes into the random chatter, she said something that really kind of confused me..."don't get your hopes up...you're not getting any ass tonight." Now, I was perplexed for several reasons...I knew she had plans post-date, so I really had no expectations; I knew she was "homeless" and we were pretty far away from my apartment, so I had no intention of trying to bring her all the way back to my place; but most of all, what had I done to make her think I was looking for some sexy fun time on date 1?

I sat in stunned silence for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to say to that...do I go the sarcastic route and tell her I wouldn't do her with someone else's equipment? Do I go the sincere route and tell her I'm not into first-date sex? Do I make a joke and ask if anal is an option? I ended up keeping it simple and reminding her that we both had plans at midnight, so I really didn't have any expectations.

The drinks kept coming, the conversation kept flowing and it was going reasonably well. Before we knew it, we were both late for our commitments, so we decided to head out. As we were leaving, I leaned in to give her a hug and she asked if I remembered what she had said earlier in the evening. Answered the question with a question, asking if she was referring to the whole "not getting any ass" thing, and she said yes. She then leaned in, bit my earlobe (hard) and whispered "but I would totally blow you if you want." Given our respective plans, her homelessness and the proximity from my apartment (not to mention the fact that I wasn't totally into her), I was hit with visions of myself dropping trou behind a dumpster and having a merry-old time. I politely declined and went on my way to meet my friends...they (predictably) gave me a hard time for turning down what I'm sure would have been mediocre fellatio.

I ended up calling her a few days later and we had a couple more dates. Nothing comically horrible, other than her story about the time she was on vacation in the Bahamas, met a "cute boy" and let him do a line of coke out of the crack of her ass. I started to realize she may have been a bit "much" for me to handle and ended things shortly thereafter. Met an incredibly awesome girl who I went out with a couple of times before she ripped my heart out and stomped on it...I won't be writing about her any time soon.