Some online introductions that couldn't have gone anywhere

So, as I mentioned, I've been doing the online dating thing for about a year now. There have been a few successes, but a lot more failures. Since the ones that went well really aren't funny, I'll be focusing on the fails here. There have been a lot, but sometimes the dates that don't even happen are even funnier that the ones that do.

Now, since I've mentioned that I'm a neurotic Jew, you can probably imagine which site I'm using for my Intarwebs dating adventures (it's not BBWslookingforlove.com). I had paid for my membership for a while, but after realizing that I was too shy to "approach" any of the halfway decent looking jewesses on the site, I decided to downgrade to a free membership. They really have you by the balls on those, since you can't send or read emails (the people sending have no idea you're not allowed to look, of course, so they usually just think you're being a dickhead), or send IMs. Really, all you can do is receive IMs. Thankfully, for my material at least, it seems as though most of the girls ballsy enough to make the first move and disturbed enough to find me attractive haven't the foggiest idea of how to start a conversation...either that, or they're just looking for laughs.

Some of the messages I get aren't bad...a simple "hi" that turns into a conversation, which may or may not lead to a date. Others, though, are so mind-numbingly bizarre that I can't help but share, if for no reason than to ask if women really are this fucked up.

Most of these IM "sessions" were closed without a response, either because of disgust, confusion or the simple fact that I couldn't think of a suitably horrific response. I want to remain hopeful...I really do...but things like this just make me wonder if I'm destined to live out my remaining years alone, or worse, go gay...


Weird IM #1 (from a rather attractive 26 year-old): "Would you be open to starting with a one-night stand and seeing where things go from there?"
*um, no thank you, but hi, I'm Dr. Nerd...


Weird IM #2 (from a less attractive 25 year-old): "Would you be open to a tresemme?"
*I thought she meant shampoo, and before I could respond with a "WTF" (the only suitable response), she made it clear that she simply couldn't spell "threesome," by explaining to me that the kind with 2 girls is better than the one with 2 guys (I never would have guessed).


Weird IM #3 (from an unattractive, yet extremely well endowed blonde): "So, do you like my boobs?"
*This one, I actually responded to...told her I hadn't looked, at which point she informed me that they were real, spectacular (ripping off Seinfeld I believe) and would look great bouncing up and down in my bed. I would have continued the conversation had I not realized just how unattractive the rest of her was.


Weird IM #4 (from a girl I'm convinced was once a guy): "You look like you're well hung...am I right?"
*I couldn't help but wonder how many other guys she had IMd with that and if any of them were desperate enough to respond.


Weird IM #5 (from one that didn't seem so bad at first): "I just saw you at Duane Reade on [insert address here]...you're cute"
*As with #3, I responded...asked her why, if she thought I was cute and just saw me IN REAL LIFE, she wouldn't talk to me and would instead try to find me immediately on the Internet (she didn't have an answer to that question)


Weird IM #6 (I don't have any recollection of who this one was from): "Where do you live. Can I come over?"
*I thought about giving her my friend's address, just as a goof, but ignored it instead.


Not so lucky #7 (this was probably just one of my friends playing a joke on me): "Ur cuuuuuuuute...I want u to hav my babees."
*Putting aside her obvious issues with our language, I decided to focus on the logical issues with this statement. Now, I'm no biology major (despite being a doctor), but I'm pretty sure it's girls that have babies, not boys.

I've got some more IMs to share, plenty of emails, and even better (although longer) some great dates gone wrong. Enjoy...and tell your friends.